As I'm sitting here looking at my one-month-and-one-day-old son, I think about how much Bets would love to have met him and been so excited about this new phase of life with us. It also makes me wonder why life is so unfair.
The whole "Why do bad things happen to good people?" question nags at my heart every time I remember Bets. What happened 7 years ago today will never make sense to me. It's hard and it's ok - I don't ever expect, or really even want, to understand it. Now, in the light of having this new life in front of me, I also think about how I got to be so blessed with the gift of a healthy son when so many around me are struck by tragedy. With Coen gazing back at me from the pillow on my lap, I can't help but remember dear friends who have tried for years to have a child of their own and haven't been able to. Other friends who have experienced the joy of pregnancy only to lose their child before being able to meet him. Others who are waiting right now to know if their 20 week old daughter will miraculously beat her odds to survive a full-term pregnancy.
If there's one thing this so-far-short career of parenting has taught me at this point, it's that ultimately we don't have control. Every precious gift given can be taken away, or changed in a way we didn't expect or prefer.
For Christ-followers, there is a peace in knowing that God claims us all as his own and loves us far beyond the capabilities of any other human love. But can I be honest and say, it's also a little terrifying... Because what if that means sacrifice? Tracey is God's child before he's my husband, Coen was God's child long before he became mine, and I pray to live those truths out every day in the way I see our relationships. But what if he asks me to give something, or someone, that I don't want to give up? This is where the continual battle to embrace trust and relinquish fear comes in.
Do I live my life in a way that shows, to me and to others, that it's not my own? Do I value God's relationships with my loved ones more than my relationship with them? Would I be voluntarily willing to sacrifice whatever He would ask of me? Not always. Thank God for grace...
Bets will forever remain an encouragement for me in this area - In her words, but more importantly in the way she lived her life. That girl loved like no other. She was the essence of a poured-out offering. So much that we would actually have to have "interventions" with her about watching out for herself more instead of being overly-available for others. But that just wasn't who she was. She knew her life wasn't her own. And she actually acted as if it wasn't.
In the midst of sadness, I am grateful. I am grateful for my friend. I am grateful for the life she led and the ways she continues to challenge and inspire us. I am grateful for the opportunity to live a life with a higher calling than merely living it for myself. And I am grateful for my God, even when he gives and takes away.
No comments:
Post a Comment