Life as a Toddler

One of the things I love about being a parent is gaining such a deeper understanding of God's relationship to me through the interactions I have with my boys.  Throughout these interactions, I have come to realize that I am very much a toddler in God's eyes:

I long for independence, when that's just not my role. How many times do I try to live my life by my own strength and wisdom?  I get so used to my job, the season, the routines that get the things checked off the list, that I subconsciously believe I can do it on my own.  

I have irrational fears when I don't need to be afraid. As frustrating as it is to explain x amount of times that you don't need to be afraid of the garbage truck or the barking dog, Coen often remains unconvinced.  But I have to remind myself that small fears overwhelm a small world, and as large as I feel my world is, it's still so tiny in the eyes of God.  He tells me not to fear, and I often remain unconvinced. 

I think I'm pretty mature.  I think there's a reason that Jesus loved kids so much.  Probably the same reason I enjoy teaching kids (in general) more than adults - While I do know that more years and life experiences can bring wisdom, it often brings an overconfidence that inhibits learning.  I want to share the wisdom God has given me, but never become so sure of myself that I miss out on the infinite amount of learning opportunities that await. 

I want to be noticed.  We haven't quite mastered the difference between "thank you" and "you're welcome" around here, so Coen will tell you "Thank you Coen" whenever he does something you ask him to do.  His lack of language knowledge is cute and innocent, but I always humorously see myself in the gesture to be acknowledged and appreciated for the things I do.   

I long to be understood and communicate clearly. Because, who doesn't?  If you ever want to empathize with your nonverbal child, go live in your second language.  There are few things more frustrating than not being able to connect to someone you love because of your inability to communicate.  So many times my prayers end up being more felt than spoken somehow; I am so grateful my connection to God doesn't depend on my ability to articulate. 

I require so much patience.  Everything is baby steps, practicing, redoing, trying again... and repeat.  As often as I have to remind myself that Coen is only 2 1/2, I am humbled by the thought that God has been dealing with my practice/redo/repeat for almost 32 years.  And His patience is perfect!  Mine entirely limited.     

 

I need so much grace.  I imagine this lesson will become much more profoundly dear to me as my kids become old enough to "fall short" beyond temper tantrums and misdirected emotions, but it is already such a powerful realization for me.  No matter how great my kids are, they will never be perfect.  I have already proven to be an imperfect parent.  This whole business of being a mom has shown me that even the deepest human love will fall short.  

I couldn't possibly be loved any more than I am right now.  This is the one that overwhelms the deepest part of me - I think about my boys, the way I love them, and then remember that this love doesn't even compare to the love God has for me.  It overwhelms me because it's truly unfathomable...  And yet somehow so easy to forget, easy to feel distant, easy to feel like I am disappointing God by my actions or lack thereof, as if His love for me was conditional upon my character...  

And then I look at my boys.  And I remember the kind of love He has for me.   

I am overwhelmed with gratitude for such profound love!  And thankful He uses my 2 year old to keep me in check.