The Lord has kindly and very clearly revealed two realities to Tracey and I (separately) this last month. They aren't pretty, but they're honest:
1) We don't pray for our ministries. This is the truth, the ugly truth. We are so deeply blessed to have a multitude of loved ones and strangers pray for us and our work here, and maybe that has somehow led us to act like ya'll do the praying and we do the "working." Eeeeesh. That was ugly as soon as it hit the keyboard. And I'm sorry. Not sorry I shared it, just he sorry it's the truth.
What we do believe, however, is that prayer is the most important thing we can do in our work. We believe it is not only necessary but essential to any progress in our ministry. We believe that we (you and us) are a team, and that we need your prayers as much as we need us to pray for what we are doing.
I don't know why we haven't been acting like we believe all of that.
Undoubtedly, this ugly truth plays a large role in our second confession:
2) We believe we are responsible for the "successes" and "failures" of our ministries. House of Hope is still in a rough place financially. Our enrollment has declined. We have been unable to involve businesses and churches this year like we wanted. And now the municipality is threatening to take the building away from us.
Tracey asked me this week if I thought the ministry would just have to shut down. I told him that this ministry has been so close to being shut down so many times before, we might as well call it, "House of Hope, the ministry you just can't kill off." But then my thoughts mostly shifted to myself: How embarrassing it would be for me that my primary ministry failed, that everything I have done with it for the last year and a half would have been in vain. That I have people supporting me to do a work and then I have to tell them it's closed down. That what I have done wasn't good enough.
Kind of like the one time I taught that sex class. Although it was 3:00 in the morning, I did feel like the class of 40+ girls were effected by what I said. One high school girl came up to me crying at the end and opened up to me about how her and her boyfriend wanted to stop sleeping together. It was a wonderful time of prayer and honest sharing. I felt so used by God!
And then she got pregnant a month later. And I felt like a failure.
On the other side of the spectrum, I can't deny the fact that when I look at the funds we have raised for House of Hope, part of me does think, "Man, what would this ministry do without me? Where would we be if I hadn't done all those church presentations last fall?"
(Eeessshhh. Do you see why I titled this "True Confessions"?!? It's hard to admit these things to yourself, let alone type them and share them with the rest of the world...)
There is a constant temptation to steal God's glory when we see positive change in the work we do. There is a nagging lie that says, "Good job today, look at what you accomplished." Sometimes it's disguised by us giving God praise for the talents and abilities he has gifted us, when what that really means deep down is "Sure you gave me the ability, but I made it happen."
When the reality is:
Tracey asked me this week if I thought the ministry would just have to shut down. I told him that this ministry has been so close to being shut down so many times before, we might as well call it, "House of Hope, the ministry you just can't kill off." But then my thoughts mostly shifted to myself: How embarrassing it would be for me that my primary ministry failed, that everything I have done with it for the last year and a half would have been in vain. That I have people supporting me to do a work and then I have to tell them it's closed down. That what I have done wasn't good enough.
Kind of like the one time I taught that sex class. Although it was 3:00 in the morning, I did feel like the class of 40+ girls were effected by what I said. One high school girl came up to me crying at the end and opened up to me about how her and her boyfriend wanted to stop sleeping together. It was a wonderful time of prayer and honest sharing. I felt so used by God!
And then she got pregnant a month later. And I felt like a failure.
On the other side of the spectrum, I can't deny the fact that when I look at the funds we have raised for House of Hope, part of me does think, "Man, what would this ministry do without me? Where would we be if I hadn't done all those church presentations last fall?"
(Eeessshhh. Do you see why I titled this "True Confessions"?!? It's hard to admit these things to yourself, let alone type them and share them with the rest of the world...)
There is a constant temptation to steal God's glory when we see positive change in the work we do. There is a nagging lie that says, "Good job today, look at what you accomplished." Sometimes it's disguised by us giving God praise for the talents and abilities he has gifted us, when what that really means deep down is "Sure you gave me the ability, but I made it happen."
When the reality is:
It's never about me.
The good, the bad, the everything.
God has shown himself in amazing ways through House of Hope, people have stepped up and given tremendous amounts of support and many other random/miraculous things have occurred. I'm just a part of a bigger picture. I do the best that I can, but it's not because of my presence or my actions that keep this ministry alive.
Just like that high school girl didn't get pregnant because my talk sucked.
I cannot rely on the outcome of man-made goals created from a human perspective to add to or take away my confidence. My value, in who I am and the work that I do, comes only from being His. And whatever I do, the good, the bad, the everything, will always be for His glory.
What I can do, is do the best of my ability with the work he gives me each day and trust Him entirely with the outcomes. I can make myself wholly available. I can be obedient. I can give Him all the credit because to him it is surely due. And I can stay faithful to His calling for me above analyzing what I perceive to be my level of usefulness.
So there is it, people. The good, the bad, and definitely the ugly. The good news is that God's really great at convicting us in ways that make us want to change instead of feeling like total crap. And as an added bonus, Tracey and I are completely on the same page! As everything, it's a process. The important thing is that we are in it.
It is good to confess. It is good to repent. It is good to grow.
October Prayer Requests
1) For us in this process of changing the way we see our ministries
2) That we can be disciplined to pray more for them
3) Leadership to maintain this momentum that we have right now with Sunday School
Holy heck! SO appreciate your transparency. Cannot wait to discuss this more in person so Alejandro and I can make our confessions about not praying until the 11th hour much at all together for our one year mission trip and how we had to be strategic to make it happen. Yikes. You guys are awesome and the Lord knows your hearts. We look forward to joining with you in prayer together.
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