I've grown tired of giving to the poor...

It's weird, over the past few months I've come to the realization that some of the fundamental parts of my past, I've now become disillusioned with.  Not exactly great "missionary" talk...

I remember back when I was in college I would spend every Saturday afternoon giving food to the homeless along with having some pretty interesting and profound conversations with them as well.   This was 3 years of a lot of fun, numerous relationships with some really near and dear friends, and experiences that taught me a lot.

So we got to Chile and I was informed that they're doing some of the same style work downtown on Monday nights.  Christine and I went out one night to served.  It was cool (1) to do it with Christine this time and (2) it sort of sparked some sentiments of nostalgia.  But I haven't gone back.

During the last year of serving downtown in Charlotte, I sort of realized that maybe I'm doing more trouble than good.  What if through what I thought was love and service, I've been a cause of the problem or at least "enabling"/encouraging these wonderful people do the exact thing I wanted to fight against, homelessness.

The same thing happened in high school when I was super gung-ho for evangelizing; being as studied up as I could on all the apologetics.  Somewhere in the midst of that season of life I realized, yes there are those who don't follow/know Christ, yes I desperately want them to know Christ like I know Him, but "explaining"/arguing/persuading them into the kingdom just doesn't seem to be the answer.  Was I doing any good to go up to random people who I haven't gained any respect with and begin to question their belief system?  Maybe...maybe not.

I became disillusioned with evangelism. 

Back to the current train of thought this week.

I've felt Christ telling me, "Maybe it's not that you're disillusioned with evangelism or serving the poor, but with the methods you're using.  Try another way Tracey."

I think one of my favorite things to hear is,

"I just preach "the word" (the Bible)" 

or, 

"Just do what the Bible tells you to do."  

Really?!  You must be a flippin' genius because I've always felt that interpretation is needed when reading, preaching and living according to the Bible.  Which really makes it, "I just preach the word according to my predisposiciones, experiences and world view".

Once again I'm reminded of my need for the Holy Spirit to guide me in all of this and that Christ is always working molding shaping not only my "being" but my understand of how to carry out those Oh So Simple Phrase; "love your neighbor as yourself."  It's a process that's messy, filled with ups and downs, corrections, successes and start overs.

So I'm in the process of looking, living, figuring out new ways to serve, share & love.  I'm just hoping that my disillusionment streaks don't get the best of me.